Me, My Hubby and White Supremacy
Before sheltering in place was the norm, my husband (who is Filipino) and I (who am White) used to enjoy a casual meal out. More than a few times, towards the end of our meal, the server would ask: “Will this be separate checks, or are you together”? At first, I didn’t notice anything might be awry. It took my husband to get visibly upset (as we exited the restaurant) for me to realize that we may have been on the receiving end of microaggression.
We live in Portland, Oregon, the whitest city in America, where there are fewer than 3% Black people. Would this experience happen in San Francisco? In New York? Probably not. So it probably is microaggression. What matters is how my husband experienced it, and how I overlooked it. I was looking at the world from the seat of white privilege. It took my husband to open my eyes. I felt embarrassed. How many times had I missed this happening when we were out together?
The past few months have been a time of reckoning. Reckoning with my feelings about white supremacy and racism, and knowing that there have certainly been times when I’ve said or done something racist. Learning that white supremacy isn’t being a far-right Ku Klux Klan member who works to keep people of color “in their place” – it’s a system that I am part of and it affects all parts of society – education, health care, politics, finance, commerce, and criminal justice, to name but a few. What has become abundantly clear is that the time has come for me to own my part in that system, take responsibility, and join others in dismantling that system.
Here’s what I’ve learned helps. I realize I am only at the beginning of my learning journey. I’m very open to ideas!
1. Lean Into the Discomfort
I’m very comfortable around my husband’s extended family. I was comfortable when I lived in Japan and was the only white woman in an all-Japanese HR department at Procter & Gamble. But I recall feeling fear and discomfort when I landed in South Carolina and saw a sea of Black people at the airport. I felt like I stuck out. I remember thinking: “What are the ‘rules’ here? I am in the minority. How can I make sure I don’t behave in a racist way”? I was confused and scared. (I’m embarrassed to say that.) When I boil it down, though, I simply didn’t want to feel uncomfortable. If I am to learn anything about anti-racism, it’s important for me to put myself into uncomfortable situations and conversations, and ask myself, “What is this discomfort telling me”? I need to stay in these uncomfortable situations and open myself up to learning something new.
One way to lean into discomfort is to join an online conversation about anti-racism and learn about what it is like to be a person of color. I am honored to be a participant and facilitator for a series titled “Dismantling Racism” hosted by the Women’s Center for Leadership. Panelists include Stephanie Montgomery, Kelli McLoud-Schingen, Shari Dunn, and Lillian Tsai. I am learning a lot. It’s great to hear others’ questions and to be able to interact with the panelists. It helps to know I am not alone in this discovery and learning process.
2. Educate Yourself
· There are many books out there: “How to Be an Anti-Racist”, by Iblan X. Kendi, “Me and White Supremacy”, by Layla F. Saad, “Between the World and Me”, by Ta-Nehisi Coates, and “White Fragility”, by Dr. Robin DiAngelo. Read them. Talk about them with friends. Do the journaling exercises. Come to grips with the fact that you’ve contributed to systemic racism.
· Streaming platforms are offering documentaries about the Black experience. I recently watched one about Toni Morrison’s life and writings; she refers to the “White gaze” and her mission to use the power of language to write about Black lives in an authentic, piercing, unsettling way. The documentary “13” speaks to how incarceration of Black men is a modern form of Jim Crow and slavery.
3. Be Curious
Kelli McCloud-Schingen, this week’s speaker on dignity at a Dismantling Racism session, suggested that white women join a largely Black community event and simply notice what that brings up for us. She also recommended that we be genuinely curious about the human beings we are with – as individuals, not as representatives of their group. She suggested that we buy a copy of “Ebony” or “Essence” magazine to understand what topics are of interest to Black women. I didn’t realize what happens when you are a person of color raised to believe that White beauty is the gold standard. In a documentary, I saw a picture from the 70’s of a Black girl holding a White doll; apparently she had asked for that color doll because it was “better”. Talk about internalized oppression!
4. Do What You Can
There have been protests in Portland for over a month now. Protesting is not for me (especially during a pandemic), and I’ve been searching for my own way to advocate for anti-racism, to add my voice to the mix and take a stand. I believe I may have found a few. One is to offer our programs on a sliding scale for people with limited resources. Another is to tap into the healing power of deep listening and honoring a person’s individual story related to their beliefs and experience around racism. As a professional coach and facilitator, I’m creating opportunities to facilitate conversations between people of different backgrounds so we can have these powerful conversations. I participated in a group conversation like this recently and my heart opened wide. It wasn’t comfortable, but I learned a lot about the pain and suffering of the other participants, and how each person’s experience is uniquely their own, needing to be heard, acknowledged, and honored.
Where are you on your journey? What are you doing to dismantle racism?