“And I Got a Robe” – A Call for Self-Authorship

Women need to value themselves from within and choose their life path

Over the holiday break, a Saturday Night Live video called "Christmas Morning" went viral. The scene: a father and two children excitedly share all the presents they’ve received. The mom, looking weary because she was up until 4 am, thanks the family for the robe they gave her. It’s all she’s received among the whirlwind of gifts in the room. You can tell by the look on her face and her tone that she’s disappointed, but she doesn’t say anything about it directly. She finds a sale tag inside her robe, looks sad, but murmurs her thanks instead of complain. She doesn’t tell anyone that she burned her hand making breakfast, since she “keeps her pain inside of her.” Even the family dog gets more presents than her - because “he deserves it”. To add insult to injury, the dog gets, guess what? His own robe!

At first, this video made me laugh. Then, I was sad. Why, I wondered, is it so common for women, wives and mothers to be weary, worn-down, and to not ask for what we want? Why do we encourage girls and women to set their needs aside? Why do some women feel they need to keep their pain inside? Then I got mad. Why is it funny – and a meme – that women are expected to be selfless and generous, without getting anything back?

Then, I realized…the satire had hit something deep inside me – a resentment that I myself have had times in my life when I did not claim what I wanted or needed. In my case, this happened at work, not at home. I used to believe that if I set my needs aside and worked really hard, people would appreciate and love me. I used to believe that it’s a sign of weakness to express my needs or my authentic feelings. I used to believe that it’s important to persevere, to “tough things out” and to suffer in silence. I used to believe that feedback was about me – my worth – and not my behavior or lack of fit. It was only after a hard year of trying to fit in (vs. belong) and of being overly accommodating (vs. speaking my truth) that I became ill and had to leave the world of work for a while. After much soul-searching, I realized how much I had looked to others for signs of my worthiness – and how much of a pattern this is for women. I read “Playing Big” by Tara Mohr and attended her facilitator training program. A spark in my heart became a service offering: the Rising Tide Experience, a 4-month, online immersive leadership development program to help women show themselves more compassion and claim authorship of their lives.

Some people say that due to sociological and economic impacts of the global pandemic, women are losing much of the progress we’ve made around equity over the past 10+ years. Since the pandemic began, 3 times more women than men have been leaving the workforce, often because they do not bring in as much income as their male partners, and also due to gender role expectations. Many women fulfill the brunt of childcare duties and have taken on the additional job of helping their children with distance learning. If anything, it seems that the pattern of self-sacrifice and self-forgetting has been strengthened over the past year.

There is no easy solution here. As with other complex issues, there are societal, systemic forces at work. However, some things are within our individual control. Women can – and need to - be their own advocate. This begins with questioning the messages we received growing up and choosing to be the authors of our own lives. It requires choosing to live in alignment with our purpose and values. It requires trusting our inner wisdom, loving ourselves, and letting go of our attachment to what others think. It requires staying in tough conversations, facing our fears, and playing big. All of this is best done in community with women who provide one another encouragement, support and accountability. My Rising Tide Experience program for professional women provides such an avenue.

I now see the video as a red flag and as a clarion call. It’s time for women to discover, acknowledge and express our needs. It’s time for us to be the author of our lives. It’s time for us to claim equity and equality and develop allies in this cause. Because we deserve more than a robe. We deserve the life we choose for ourselves.